Monday, June 04, 2007

Dear New Administrative Assisstant:

In two words: You crazy.

I realize that I inherited you from the person who used to run this department, so it’s not like we exactly picked each other. I also realize that I am not used to having my own admin so all this attention is not something I am altogether comfortable with. I know you are trying to be helpful, but you are making. me. nuts.

I am not a doctor. Therefore, people do not need to make appointments to see me. Nor do they need to go through you to get to me. In fact, most of the time, I can hear them at your desk talking. Then I watch you get up, take 3 steps into my office and announce their presence, and they can clearly hear you. The whole thing is ridiculous. Just let them walk by and stick their head in for goodness sakes!

Your schizo way of addressing me is baffling. One minute you are saying “You so funny girlfriend” and holding out your fist for a pound. The next minute you are speaking like Martha Stewart and calling me Ms. Starfish. Who are you really? Oh, and I think you understood when I corrected you the other day…but under no circumstances are you to ever call me Starry. You should never shorten anyone’s name and put a y on the end unless you are given express written permission to do so.

Charades is not effective. If I am on the phone, please write me a short note and put it in front of me. Dancing and moving your lips is distracting. It took me forever to figure out that you pointing to your ring finger meant that my husband had called.

If you have something to say, spit it out. Using big words are ineffectual if you don’t use them correctly in context. If after you speak, there is prounounced silence and I am blinking at you with my eyebrows scrunched together, it means I don’t have a flipping clue what you are talking about. Have I ever once said “yes” when you say “You see what I’m saying?”.

There is no conspiracy brewing to get my job. Trust me when I tell you that my direct reports have zero chance of getting me fired and taking over. If that were the case, one of them would have been promoted into my position in the first place. So, while I appreciate you tiptoeing into my office and whispering your little tidbits of information about who was seen having a closed door meeting with who, more often than not, I already knew, and it wasn’t for the reasons you think. And if I didn’t, chances are I don’t give a crap. Save the drama for your momma. I’m too busy.

The hugging. Just…..don’t.

If this doesn't work out between us, I can have you go work for my brother. He can't understand why I don't enjoy having someone at my beck and call all day. I warn you though, he told me that he would have you do things like buying a bag of pretzels and then remove the salt on exactly two thirds of them. And then organize his paper clips so they all face the same way. Might still be better than working for me.

21 comments:

Miss Scarlett said...

Eeyikes.
This sounds like a truly painful work relationship.

annmarie said...

How do you refrain from slamming her upside the head with a stapler?

wavybrains said...

LOL!!! I hope things improve for you soon!!!

MMrussianadoption said...

I am rolling on the floor laughing. You really are good with hysterical sarcasm.

Jenni said...

OMG, that is hysterical! I used to work with admins like that, and they drove me nuts too.

My favorite part was her shortening your name and adding a "y" at the end. Isn't there an unwritten rule forbidding this? Oh, to be a fly on the wall and see your facial expression at that moment.... :)

Tricia said...

i hear you. i just got my first direct report (& getting another one, an intern, this summer). i am not. that. old. to be treated like an old boss lady dammit!

Rachael said...

Starfish, you so funny girlfriend.

Bezzie said...

I know your real name and I am baffled as to what the hell she shortened it to and added a "y"!

I must be doing a good job as an office monkey--I've never done any of that crap to my boss.

Too funny!

Lauren said...

I can't imagine why you don't like that.

Poor admin lady...

Lauren said...

Ok. I was just kidding before. I hate when someone stops me from sticking my head in someone's office as if they may not be there or they are too busy to see me. I just want to yell to get the hell out of my way, I can hear or see them in there.

You should have her do big filing projects or things that require her to be away from her desk. hee hee

Anonymous Boxer said...

Still lurking - have to say that you are my hero today with this post. It should be a handbook given to every Admin. (or anyone.)
I nearly choked on my cofffee reading this.

Andrea said...

You so crazzzzzy!

I love your sense of humor. Good-ness-GRACIOUS!!

Rob, Dana, & Billy said...

I would have thrown up at the "Starry" part. I have a friend name Jennifer. When we were in school I called her Jenny. No one else was allowed to do that except for her sisters. I don't know why I even did. She's so not a Jenny. I'm pretty sure she'd slap me now.

KimN said...

Sorry, but I found that hilarious. I feel like I can completely picture this person now.

Amy said...

Hm.. did your assistant once work for me? ;) Frightening, but funny!

ruth said...

I'm laughing for you really. Sounds dreadful! I guess you have some training to do...do you think she's fixable??

Tami said...

Ugh!!! This is why there should be return policies for admins. Whoever hired her should have to keep her.

Maggie said...

Oh my. Have you ever read about the weird chic on Emma Bug? Your assistant and the sweater lady should get together... I think they'd be good friends.

Rhonda said...

Hugging? Seriously? Yeah, I think I'd be asking for a new admin. There's no hugging in corporate america.

Beagle said...

Oh dear. I'm sorry you got stuck with her.

Hugging at work should be banned unless your assistant is a hot, male, straight, 23 yr. old former Chippendale's dancer. Then, maybe consider making an exception to this rule.

Leslie said...

LOL! How is it that we BOTH work with this exasperating person??? Thanks for saying what I'm not able to say ( my admin reads my blog) :p