Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Babies don't give you brain cells

Why is it that when you become a mother, you suddenly think you are the wisest person who ever lived?

So I'm in Target this weekend, standing shoulder to shoulder with my husband as we stare up at the massive shelving of Pampers. There's apparently a sale. We're trying to figure out exactly which ones are on sale, and where they are located. It would be nice if the little SALE! tags sticking out of the shelves actually matched up with the contents sitting upon them, but we realize this is too much to ask. We are also trying to decide how many, and which size to get, as the boy will surely grow out of size 2's by the time we finish the massive crate of diapers we already have. We stare. We grimace. We blink. We scratch our chins as we contemplate.

What to do.

But LO! We are saved. Along comes Miss I-must-talk-to-complete-strangers-and-impart-my-useless-knowledge-upon-them. She insists on getting in the middle of our debate to tell us exactly what we should do. But first, she must get a good look at the boy and assess. Then she must ask us many important questions, including "How wide are his hips?" HUH? How do you even answer that question?? How wide, as in inches? Was I supposed to measure them? Compare them to other 4 month olds? Is there a chart of hip width somewhere that I don't know about?? And anyway Lady I WASN'T EVEN TALKING TO YOU. So I kind of blink at her and say something like I don't know, they're normal hips I guess...but if you compare his weight to the weight written on the packa--

"THAT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING".

"Excuse me?", I say with my eyebrows raised; wondering why this total stranger just (1) totally cut me off midsentence (2) in a raised voice (3) while intimating I am an idiot. And then she said something that made me want to punch her lights out.

"Is this your first?"

Translation: This must be your first child because you obviously have no clue what you are talking about or you wouldn't have uttered such a stupid thing. Silly child, I must now be condecending to you and impart all of my wonderous knowledge to you so that you will no longer flounder in the darkness.

Seriously, I wanted to hit her. After all the crap I've had to figure out to even get to the point of standing in the diaper aisle of Target, I THINK I can evenutally figure out which ones to buy. For goodness sakes lady, you only have TWO kids, it's not like you diaper kids for a living. Oh and by the way - the genius said she can tell just by looking at him that he's going to be tall like me. My husband snorted out loud at that one.


But to be fair, I have already found myself thinking that I know better than some other moms out there. Our friend has a 6 month old that won't sleep through the night and is really fat. I mean fat, not chubby...FAT. In my professional opinion, they feed her too often and pick her up if she makes the slightest noise at night. My cousin has twin boys who have bad sleeping habits, and since I am an expert, I know all the things she should be doing. After all, MY boy sleeps through the night!

Difference with me is, I keep my thoughts to myself.

Mostly.

What's the dumbest thing another mom has said to YOU?

18 comments:

Jill said...

hon, there isn't enough room to type all the dumb things that mom's say -myself included. but i remember buying diapers (on sale) at buy buy baby- and trying to figure out how many diapers i would need - if he went thru whatever number i decided on that day... oh boy... naive - naive - naive...

Tiff said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with that idiot. You wouldn't believe the things I see women say/do @ work. I could write a book.

Bezzie said...

I'm a tongue biter. I've got a lot to say, but yeah, I don't say it.

Tell you what, I'd be at Target doing the exact same thing as you were--and I've already got a kid! Except I would have bought the size too big or too small and dealt with massive up-the-back poop blowouts until I used up the package--Ha ha!

KimN said...

Oooh, up the back poop blow outs. Shudder. That's why my kid wears diapers that come up to his armpits.

My friend once told me that if I shower at any other time than when Gabe was sleeping then, and I quote, "I would be the worst mother in the world." Nevermind the fact that Gabe was 6 months old and couldn't even roll over yet. I'm pretty sure if I left him on a blanket in the living room where I could pull back the shower curtain and peer at him, he was going to be OK. But, who am I to say? Although, he is still alive.....last time I checked.

-Jenny said...

A woman at target yesterday, who also had twins said to me, after noticing my twin stroller as I turned it toward her....."OH those babies are fraternal twins like mine".

Not cute. Or sweet. Or the normal, look at those cheeks, but Fraternal twins, what the fuck...and what does she know! Urgh...

MAMB said...

I used to be a parent educator at a mental health facility. Yep, me the 25 yr old with no children - the parents would all cop an attitude with me like "what would YOU know?". Now that I'm not paid, I bite my tongue even if it is something that you don't need to have children to know.
I am looking forward to hearing the stupid comments from others in Target though...it is entertaining if nothing else!

Andrea said...

I try REAAAALLY hard not to be that person who just randomly talks to people. And yet, I caught myself doing it today in the restroom at the airport, of all places. So, hopefully once I become that know-it-all Mom in Target, I'll hold my tongue :) Doubtful, but I can try, right?

Miss Scarlett said...

Yikes - do people know the width of their babies hips? Is that something you should know? Interesting - having babies/children with you does give people this idea that all boundaries are moot - especially in public. Not sure what that is about. I'd like to think they are trying to be helpful but...it must be hard to swallow. When my friend was pregnant I was amazed at how many people approached her to ask inappropriate questions or to tell her they knew what she was having - and yes, lots of them just touched her belly. There were a lot of total strangers giving her health advice. Madness.

Barely Sane said...

Ahhh haaaa haaa!! I am going to go measure Ashlyn's hips later.

Seriously though, you should have been at the mall with me the other day. It was fricken INSANE the stuff people say to you when you have a baby! IN-FRICKEN-SANE!!!!

Eh, just chalk it up to the ignorant ramblings of the uber-fertile

del said...

Priceless! Luckily, I haven't encountered too much stupidity--I think it must have something to do with my look of Pure Evil.

MMrussianadoption said...

You had me rolling (tears streaming down the face)

mama k said...

ROFL!!!
That was hilarious! No to mention if you get stock up on wrong size you can always exchange them later. Not the end of the world. sheesh

Everyone already thinks I'm crazy for my cloth diapering, baby wearing and other crunchy ways. So they just give me a look like I'm crazy and don't say much. I'm completely willing to discuss my choices with anyone who ASKS, but I'm not about to shove my opinion/choices on someone else. The only person who has given me unwanted advice is my stepmom, but I just blow her off cause she doesn't know any better and still promotes old wivestales from the 1900's. LOL

jeneflower said...

I am glad you are feeling wise right now because my mommy brain has seriously kicked into overdrive. If you give me any advice though- the mommy brain will explode so be careful.

Rocky said...

These are my favorites lately...
1. Why do you have so many children?
2. (Because we have THAT many children I get...)Is God in your life?
3.Knowing that my daughters are less than six months apart and 2 separate adoptions) still ask, Are they sisters?
4.My favorite is..Are they All yours? No stupid, they are on loan, WANT ONE? (okay, that's what I want to say)

Jenni said...

OMG, I can't believe how condescending that woman was to you! Who on earth knows the size of their child's hips?! Please!

As for stupid comments, I got one from a mother who was complaining about her children and their lack of educational motivation to me. At the time, I was working towards my teaching credential, and also doing the whole infertility thing. In answer to her complaints, I suggested some strategies she might try, to which she looked at me with a sneer and said, "You OBVIOUSLY do not have any children. A mother would know how ridiculous that is." Um, excuse me? You asked me for an opinion based on my educational training, and then slam me for not yet being a mother?! I totally wanted to kick her.

Lauren said...

Wow. Who knows the size of their child's hips! Head maybe (only because they measure it at the well child visits). I would have been so annoyed with her. And who cares if you buy the wrong size. Just exchange them if they are unopened later.

People say the dumbest things.

Amy Lane said...

The size of my child's hips? I can't even keep track of which one hates tomotoes this week! Hmm... the dumbest thing I've ever heard another parent say...

"I'm surprised all my first kids didn't die because I didn't make anybody wash their hands before they held them...you've got purell, right?" (Because people haven't been LIVING WITH GERMS SINCE WE FIRST WALKED UPRIGHT!!!!!)

Twinsanity said...

Yeah, the "are they all yours?"...like people actually borrow 6-7 kids to drag around to the grocery stores and malls and such?

"Glad it's you and not me." Yeah, me too. OK, not so stupid...I find myself saying that to younger friends announcing pregnancy 3/4/5. I am SOOOOO done. Our first grandbaby is due any minute now!

On the twin thing...they look right at the girly girl and barbarian boy and ask, "are they identical?" Uh...yeah...why not?