Friday, January 12, 2007

Cause I'm a wo-man. W-O-M-A-N. I'll say it again.

Guess where I am.

At work.


I am officially back to work and our new life routine begins now. Coming back wasn't so bad. I think it was time....I mean, no time is good to leave your new baby, but now was as good a time as any. I am the kind of person who tends to procrastinate, so while I was home I was sleeping late, showering late, and doing not much more than playing with the baby and watching tv while he slept. That kind of routine can get depressing real fast for someone like me. Getting back into society and "real life" is good for my mental health. It's okay to feel that way, right?

The boy is in good hands. My husband officially quit is job last week and is now a full time stay at home Dad. He'll be great. I have no doubt he will be properly fed, clothed and entertained. Well, maybe using the word "properly" is giving him too much credit; I'm thinking of somehow coding his clothes so that daddy knows what matches what - ala Garanimals (okay fess up, who remembers those). And watching the military channel followed by a visit to the tackle store is not exactly my idea of entertainment, but whatever. But of course, I want to be with them too. I don't want to miss anything. I want to squish those cheeks and hear that giggle all day. I want to watch him sleep. But alas, someone needs to bring home the Pampers buying bacon so we can start saving for Harvard. There's big expectations for me, I hope I can meet them.

I have a new job. Did I tell you that? Right before I left I got a kinda big promotion to head a department that is in desperate need of revamping. Apparently I'm their woman. So back in November, I thought I would be starting my new position on December 1st. Then we got THE CALL. So everything was put on hold. Now I'm jumping in to my new role. It's exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. There's big expectations for me, I hope I can meet them.

Are you starting to see a theme here?

I still don't sleep well. I thought that at least for the first few months (until I start worrying about chicken pox, missing pet snakes and the like) I would fall blissfully asleep in a heap of contentment. After all, my dream has finally come true. But bad sleep continues. I have really weird dreams. I keep thinking that the cats under the covers are the baby and I'm squishing him. Then the worst.... in those awful moments between sleep and awake - that kind of hazy befuddled state, I have been feeling panic that I can't explain. Is there a problem with the baby? Is he hurt, missing? No. Is it someone else? My husband? My parents? Have I forgotten something important I need to do? No. I wake up not knowing exactly what my problem is. My brows seem to be permanently furrowed. The only thing that makes it go away is to wake up fully and see that life's okay. I guess that's normal. Have you ever experienced anything like that? Tell me I'm not nuts. one knows I'm really back yet. They all think I'm coming in on Tuesday. I snuck in to clean out my mail box and go through all my emails and voicemails. We get to leave at 3 today in preparation for the long weekend. It is 2:37 right now and I'm counting the minutes until I can be back on that train home...

Editors Note: My last post was meant for my knitting blog - stupid me posted it here instead. But thanks for all your kind comments on my knitting!


Barely Sane said...

Oh man.... I can't believe you have to go back to work so soon. I totally know how you feel - it killed me to leave Ashlyn with a sitter to go into the office.

That's great that DH is going to be a stay-at-home dad. I know my DH would love it but yes, it would also include trips to get fish tackle, hockey gear and anything that had to do with paddling or mountain biking. Hehehe.

Love the little hat btw. I think it looks awesome!!


Beagle said...

How cool, how modern! A stay at home dad. My neighbors have that arrangement as well adn it works for them.

And yes, it's OK to feel that way!

del said...

I think it's great that your hubby is staying home. Good luck adjusting to the new job & all that entails!

Maggie said...

Of course it's OK to be happy to go back to work. I don't know if I would miss going into the office, but I know I would miss doing my job. It's fulfilling.

I'm glad your husband is able to stay at home... that's great! You've got the best of both worlds.

Jenni said...

It is totally OK for you to be happy about going back to work! Being a mother is a huge part of your life now, but it is not the only part. It is great that your husband gets to be a stay-at-home dad too.

Coding the clothing is a good idea (yes I remember Garaminals - I loved them as a kid!). Once I came home from work to find Vika in a red and blue plaid sundress with purple pajama pants underneath it. Oh, the horror!!!! She convinced Jeff that it was what I had laid out for her to wear (as if!).

Best of luck in your new position! You've got a lot of life changes all at once, but it sounds like you are adjusting really well. :)

mo said...

You're not nuts!

MAMB said...

I loved Garanimals as a kid!

Hope your first day back wasn't too awful. It has to be hard!

Andrea said...

SAHD's ROCK! My hubby is going to do the same thing when K. comes home. So yea for him! And baby will be fine.

I am sorry you're not sleeping well. I've been having weird dreams lately, too. Must be something in the water.

Hang in there!!

MMrussianadoption said...

we have to get the 2 kids together soon! Let me know your availability.

Ani said...

Congrats on the promotion! I too was happy about going back to work - I have utmost respect for stay at home parents, its the toughest job ever!
Hope all went well on your first day back.

Chris said...

Hubby and I were going to work opposite schedules so one of us would be home when we first adopted..then I lost my mind and quit my

My biggest fear when I was in that lackofsleepinducedhaze was that I had forgotten the baby somewhere or that I would forget I was carrying him and drop actually gave me nightmares when I WAS able to sleep! OHN

mama k said...

haha I thought that seemed like a lot of knitting content for this blog.

Breathe with me now...

I'm sure you will meet all your challenges with success. And it probably will just take awhile for the emotions and all to calm down after all you've been through.

Awesome that DH can be a SAHD and take care of your little man!

Roxie said...

You are perfectly normal. Dreams are your subconcious's way of throwing out the garbage. You are going through one of life's most major changes, and there is a LOT to process. Getting back to work where you have experience and confidence in what you do is BOUND to be a bit comforting. Be tender and gentle with youself, and hug up your husband a LOT!!

You are not nuts. Sebastian will be fine. It's all OK.

ERin said...

Oh, the dreams. I have them too. Especially the ones where your kids are in danger or trouble or something and you can't protect them. Gives me chills just thinking about it.

Ruth said...

Congratulations on the promotion! I hope that it is much more enjoyable than your last position.

Missing pet snake? We found ours inside the sofa once - had to pull it completely apart to get to her.

Third Mom said...

I'm 18 years into being the working parent while DH holds down the fort, and I completely 100% understand where you're coming from. Been there for many years.

I wish I could say everything went perfectly, but I was a housekeeping perfectionist to start with, and poor hubby just isn't. We've simply had to compromise, and it's OK.

I hope you get the sleep issues worked out. Sleep isn't just important, I think it's key to keeping up with the challenges of work and family.