Because I'm crazy like that...

So the thank you cards for the boy's Baptism were mailed and received by all. I made them myself, using some scrap book paper and a picture of him with his little sailor suit. I've learned that my scrapbooking skills can use some work. I would show you, but I neglected to save one for myself.

I would breathe a sigh of relief now that the entire event is behind me. But alas, I've gotten myself into another fine mess. Seamonkey is going to be one year old in 4 short weeks. And he must have a fantabulous party.

So what should be a sigh of relief is now a deep breath to steel myself in preparation of all the craziness that is about to ensue. I've got to keep this inexpensive, so alot of this has to be done ourselves. We have an awesome theme that we are very excited about...

A Backyard Crab Boil!

We're going to borrow two big turkey fryer pots and layer them up with crabs, clams, corn, potatoes all seasoned up...and once done we'll dump them out on tables covered in butcher paper. We'll have burgers and franks too, and a bunch of homemade cold salads.


I plan on making a big birthday cake, and originally I was going to attempt to do a crab (the whole party will be crab themed) but BT thought I should do a SpongeBob cake. Seamonkey has this weird thing for SpongeBob, and whenever the opening theme song comes on he will stop what he's doing and dance. There's a few on the web that I may try, like this one, which comes with video instructions. Yes I am insane. Needless to say I took the entire day of work off the day before the party. I also plan to make these freaking adorable cupcakes that you can see on the cover of this book. If spongebob doesn't work out, I'm going to make extra cupcakes and arrange them in the shape of a 1. Always good to have a plan B.

I am making the invitations too, and so far I have the inside done, but I am still wrestling about with the outside. I'll show you when I've got the prototype finished. I've got to get them out very soon, since the party is on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend...I'm sure people are already making plans. I've spread the word verbally already so everyone pretty much knows.


Decorations will be mostly balloons and streamers, nothing too fancy. Of course, we need to put in a concrete patio and elevated deck on the house. Nothing like a party to light the fire under your husband's ass. We already had workers come and excavate for the patio, ripping up the side of the house and part of the front lawn in the process, but I told myself I am not going to hyperventilate about it. It's just family, and there really isn't any need to stress.

There will some kids there, and I'm not sure what to do for them. Most of them are in the 2-5 range or in the 8-12 range. What can I buy to keep them occupied? I have some bubbles, temporary tattoos and sidewalk chalk - any other ideas?

Yes, I know he is one and won't remember a thing. But this is as much a party for us as for him. We made it to a whole year and he's still all in one piece and even growing and becoming a real little boy. That's cause for celebration, no? Plus, I need something to look forward to if my summer has to end.

A little follow up..

Can I tell you what is just so funny....I was cracking up that everyone was saying how brave and daring I was to go camping, and that I am such a trooper. I really wish you could have seen the first draft of that post. After I wrote the whole thing I thought "Wow, I am a total negative complainy beyotch, lighten up Francis, it wasn't THAT bad".

But the truth is I mostly hated it.

The baby part was really not so bad - we are one of those really obnoxious couples that is blessed with a naturally good baby... he really doesn't cry unless he has good reason (don't worry, I'm sure God will get me back in the toddler years). The worst part was with me. We got up so early on Friday morning I didn't shower. If I don't wash my hair every single day I get so greezy you can fry an egg on my head. So by mid day I was a wrinkled, no makeup wearing, tired, cranky greasy headed mess. I was especially cranky when I had to get out of the car and let other humans see me. I know I should have a "screw 'em" attitude, but you know, us fat girls can NOT be going out of the house like that. We rely on the hair and makeup to distract others from the not so pretty parts. So I was definitely not a happy camper (ha! that never gets old!). I had a good day on Saturday because I got to shower and dress somewhat nicely. Sunday was downhill again because it was raining so hard I just wanted to get packed and leave, so again I didn't shower. Big mistake. When we got home my bro was there with his girlfriend, who is skinny and always dressed nicely and although she is very nice I always feel like a bit fat schlub around her. Anyway, you didn't come here to hear all that did you?

Changing subjects.... remember the friend that told me he and his wife couldn't have children? Well I read all of your comments and decided that I would send an email, short and sweet like you said, and without mentioning adoption. It basically said that I knew we kind of got awkward there for a minute, but I wanted to let him know that I knew how he felt and that if he ever needed a sympathetic ear, I was available. I didn't hear anything back from him for several days. I thought "oh great, now he's pissed". I would have expected at least a "thanks" in return, even if he was mad or whatever. But then I saw him in person again, and at the end of our conversation he acknowledged the email. He said he really appreciated it and that it was very nice of me to send it. It seemed like he was trying to get across that his situation DOES really suck and that it might really STILL be sucking pretty bad. I have no idea when they stopped treatment - who knows it could just have been recently. So in the end, I was glad I sent it. Maybe someday he'll ask me more about adoption...I really hope so. I mean, does anyone ever really stop wanting to have kids? I know there are some people who never try and aren't interested, and that's fine...but if you go to the trouble of going through treatments, you've got to want it pretty bad, right?. You can't just turn that off. How can adoption not be an option? I don't think money is the problem. I think it must be that they need some more time to grieve.

*sigh* Whatever Starfish, you can't fix everyone's problems.

In happier news, I have entered Sig's Monday Giveaway this week. Somehow I lost touch with my friend Sig and her beautiful guatemalan daughter, but now I'm back (I did some house cleaning in blog lines and think I've got it all worked out now). To enter the giveaway, I have to tell you who my secret fantasy men are. Okay, these run the gamut, and you are NOT allowed to hold these against me!

Okay, no secret that I like this guy, although "hot" is probably not the right word. I am a total sucker for a nice smile:Another obvious choice, and another great smile:

Kind of have a thing for this guy too:

I've loved this guy forever:And this guy too (see a trend here - tall, dark and handsome is my thing)

Okay, now for my closet crushes (shhh don't tell)

I'll bring your sexy back baby...

Lead singer of my favorite band. Although in my fanstasy he looks like he used to: And not what he looks like now (yikes!)

Camping with Baby

Hello all…I’ve been gone did you miss me? BT and I headed off to into the wild green yonder this past weekend…I say green because we went to Vermont to go camping with the baby.

Moo.

We used to camp fairly often when we were first married. We didn’t have much money, or much time off of work, so making long weekend trips to various New England spots fit our bill nicely. BT was always very good at picking campsites that were relatively clean, with decent bathroom facilities and that were close to the local attractions. We would pack up the car (little red Honda hatchback) with snacks and CD’s and off we went.

So since we’ve been back from Colombia, we’ve been talking about doing more vaction-ey type things. But since we don’t have much money left over, or vacation time left over, our options are limited at this particular time. Enter – camping. Makes sense, right?

We decided to take a three day weekend and drive up to Grand Isle State Park, located on an island in Lake Champlain. We were here once before, many moons ago, and had a great time. Back then, an elderly park ranger eagerly plotted out a route for us on a local map, encouraging us to experience all the local culture. We hiked many different trails. We went to a church spaghetti dinner. We ate at a local diner called the “Squirrel’s Nest”. We made beeswax candles at a candle shop on Church Street in Burlington. So many great memories we couldn’t wait to recreate.

Uh, well….didn't exactly turn out that way.

First of all, the weather was really crappy. Cloudy and drizzly the whole six and half hour drive up. My poor little baby was stuck in that car seat and he was not a happy camper (ha get it). When we got to the campsite everything was wet and muddy. We found out that Ranger Rick retired many years ago, and was replaced by a young Jesus look alike who wasn’t nearly as eager for us to soak up the local culture. But we managed to set up our cozy little corner as best we could.

The first night we went to Burlington to this place, and we had a lovely meal in their quaint alleyway. The waitress somehow knew that seamonkey was Hispanic and chatted away endlessly to him in his native tongue. He blinked those long eyelashes at her and smiled in his charming way.

The next day we had beautiful weather. We started out our day by having breakfast at the Ferry Dock where you can take your car across to Plattsburgh, NY. It was one of those hidden treasures – a complete dump with friendly people and awesome food. We went down to Church Street but sadly, all the quaint business are gone – replaced by commercial behemoths like Eddie Bauer, Old Navy and Urban Outfitters….and smaller trendy overpriced stores. No beeswax candles to be had. There was a very cool green market nearby, and we wandered through there, stopping to sample awesome homemade Indian food, and great local products like cheese and honey. After that, we headed to the Magic Hat brewery to get us some glasses of No. 9. The tour was short but amusing and the beer was cold. Amazing that all of that beer comes out of that tiny little place.

We left the brewery and drove around…we used our navigation to find us a park, and we came upon a small state park that had a nice walking trail where we could take the stroller down to a small beach. It was so nice to be surrounded with all that peace and quiet and all that green-ness. That kind of thing really recharges your batteries, you know? Seamonkey enjoyed the beach, which was really mostly mud and dirt – and we let him crawl around in it and be a total boy. There was only one time that I wasn’t quick enough and he put an entire fist of the stuff directly into his mouth. I literally had to scoop it out, and would you believe he found the whole thing hilarious. Didn’t even make a face at the nasty tasting dirt. Weird kid.

Saturday night we hung out at the campsite. We had a heck of a time figuring out how to bathe the boy….We ended up having all of us go into a shower room, standing a wet wriggling boy on a very small bench, soaping him up and sticking him under the shower for a rinse. He was mostly annoyed by the whole thing but thankfully did not have a meltdown. We had takeout dinner and relaxed by a wonderfully smelling campfire. We took turns holding the baby, singing every song we could to keep his attention and distract him from wanting to crawl around in the mud. Do you guys remember that song “John Brown’s Baby”? Where you do this hand motion thing…John Browns Baby (rock imaginary baby ) had a cold (cough into your fist) upon his chest (thump chest) and they rubbed it (rub your chest) with camphorated oil….. I totally forgot that sucker and I brought that out of the arsenal which cracked seamonkey up to no end! Also kind of bizarre was that he was babbling incessantly up to the sky…waving his arms as if he was trying to emphatically make a point to someone or something. Not sure if he was just intrigued by the tall trees that surrounded our site leaving only a bright patch of sky above, or if he was berating God for placing him with this insane family that insists on sleeping in a nylon room in the middle of a mud puddle. Again, weird kid.
Sunday I awoke to seamonkey in my arms and the sounds of my husband rousing the fire outside. Not a bad way to wake up on the 10th Anniversary of one’s 28th Birthday. Unfortunately it was another crappy day, and it started to rain so much that BT had to run into the truck and we were communicating on walkie talkies for a while. “Truck to Tent – Over” “Tent here – this sucks, over” “Affirmative. Truck out” Somehow we managed to pack up everything in the rain and head out. We decided to stop and Ben & Jerry’s which I could have sworn was somewhere in the middle of rolling green hills…but no, it was right off the highway sitting atop a hill in front of a very muddy parking lot. There was construction going on and it was crowded. The ice cream didn’t even taste and good as I remember. Oh well. We came. We saw. We ate ice cream.

All in all it was a good time, but I think the thought of camping is always better than the reality of camping...no? Of course my manly man husband, who enjoyed plodding around in the mud and playing with fire exclaims "this was great, let's plan another 3 day weekend in August!". Uh yeah....why don't we just think that over a little more there chief....

Once home we had a real home cooked meal waiting for us (Baked Ziti) and my little brother, who will always be my little bratty brother for his entire life, made me this cake.

He got me a Michael's gift card (going to start scrapbooking now) so he made up for it.

Thought I would share some things that were indispensable for us during this trip:

Jogging stroller - great for the street as well as hiking trails. Rides like a dream.
Hook on Chair - Best thing we ever bought - better than a high chair at restaurants
Rubber place mat - put it under the arms of the hook on chair and you've got a completely sanitary environment - the catchall prevents baby from making an embarrassing mess underneath.
Formula Dispenser - Keeps 3 servings of premeasured formula in a compact container.
Avent Tempo bottle system - Disposable liners enable you to bring only one or two bottles with you.
Baby Trend Pack n play - Small & Compact, and easy to fold & unfold. Great for home too.
Gerber Baby Puffs - I kept ziplock baggies of these everywhere, they are good to tide baby over if you are stuck in traffic
Saline spray and aspirator - Different climate made the boy's nose really dry.
Huggies disposable washclothes - These were great for baby and parents alike. No washclothes to hang out and dry.

Speechless for once

You'll notice I just posted two very late monthly updates. I am a bad mommy blogger. He's well into month 10 and I am just posting these now. In truth, it was hard to even remember what happened when, but I did my best. I should start drafting the 10 month post while things are still fresh...oh the drawbacks of being an old mom.

Thanks for all your kind comments on my unsent letter. The letter will remain unsent, for many of the reasons you all didn't send your letters...resentful, stubborn, afraid of rejection...you know. I don't get the sense that this whole thing is quite over yet, I don't think too much time has passed, but I could be wrong. I have this feeling that I am destined to run into her somewhere soon, and truthfully I panic a little every time I am in a place I know she could be (we only live 10 minutes apart). I suppose time will reveal all...we'll just have to see. It is amazing how we all have one of those letters in our back pockets, huh?

I had a very awkward conversation today, and I have alot of mixed emotions about it. I was talking to someone who is about my age, and who I always guessed was affected by infertility because he and his wife do not have children. We have known each other for a while, but only recently have had cause to talk more frequently. I try to be conscious about what I say around him, because I know what it was like to hear people prattle on endlessly about their kids. Today, as we made small talk about family and things, he told me that he and his wife had made the decision not to have children, since all their efforts to concieve were unsuccesful. They felt that it just wasn't meant to be. Would you believe that I had not one clue on how to respond? I kind of stared down at the table and tried my best to sympathize with him - I let him know we went through 3 horrible years of it too. Turns out we went to the same clinic at one point. He didn't really want to talk about it so the words kind of just hung in the air between us. I guess he just wanted to let me know - I asked him if he considered adoption and he said yes, they decided it just wasn't for them.

I was at a total loss on what to say and it really bothered me. It's not really my business, I am nothing to him, but maybe I wanted to help him in some way and I couldn't. I feel like I should have said more, or said the right thing to want him to talk about it. Of course, I wanted to tell him that adoption was the best thing that ever happened to me. That I too thought that God was trying to tell me something and that the day I saw my son's face that feeling completely evaporated. But who I am to say that to him? Who knows what his reasons are and what does it matter, really.

I feel like I should follow up the conversation with an email or something - Something to acknowledge that I appreciate him telling me, that I'm sorry it was awkward, and if he ever wants to talk about adoption, I'm available. Think I should? Or just let it lie?

In other news, it's hot as hell here today. Feels like 106 outside. Yesterday I had jury duty. I had to laugh at the people who were bitching about it. You'd rather be at work in this heat? I had a lovely time sitting around in the nice air conditioning, crocheting away and people watching. I never got called - at the end of the day we were released for time served. Now I'm good for 6 years. I was kind of hoping I did get picked, I think it would have been interesting. But it's okay, we're going away for the weekend beginning on Friday and it would have sucked if I had to cancel.

Are you staying cool?

Monthly update - 9 months old

Dear Seamonkey:

June, your 9th month was a very emotional one for me. The only way I can really describe it, is by saying this is the month that I felt like you loved me back. Of course, we've loved you from the start, and you were always happy and smiley under our care. But this month, it's like you love us because you want to, not because you have to. This month was the first time you shied into my shoulder when a stranger approached. It was the first time you cried when I left the room. And honestly, those moments made me tear up too. You are growing into a real live little person right before our eyes, and it an amazing thing to think we figured out how to make that all happen without any major incident.

The most important event this month was of course your baptism. You were baptized in St. Christopher's church, and you were a good boy. Well, except for the loud babbling and craning your neck to look back and your grandparents. We had a great party for you afterwards. You did not cry once the entire day. You let everyone hold you, and you even "danced" on the dance floor - I sat you down in the middle and you started bouncing up and down and clapping your hands. A good time was had by all.

Also this month we went to the annual picnic for our adoption agency, and we got to see all the new babies who have come home. It was really a treat to talk with all the families that did what we did, and to hold the beautiful Colombian children. You hammed it up as usual, clapping and waving on cue to everyone's delight. You discovered your first playground there, and you LOVE the swings.Since then we have taken you to other parks to swing. You also like to hang on the monkey bars. You are so strong that you will actually hang there holding your own weight. We stay close by though, because that cracks you up and makes you let go.

You wave bye bye really well now, although you usually do it with two hands, and kind of out to your sides so you look like a bird. You will do it on cue when someone says "bye bye". You have just started to say bye bye yourself, more like a "bah" but we can see you know the word and are trying to say it. You say mama ("mamamama") and dada ("adah") too, but not exactly discrimately yet. Your babble has changed into your own little language, complete with multi-sylllable words and intonations as if you are really having a conversation. We talk back to you that way and apparently whatever we are saying, we are hilarious. You seem to be the most talkative in the bathtub.

Your hair is riotiously curly, so much so that I actually put hair gel in it to keep it somewhat contained. You have TWO teeth now, and among other things, you use them to bite your crib rails. You would think we keep a pet beaver in there. It has become apparent that you now have a favorite blanket; the blue and white chenille one:You sleep so much better with it...you grab it in your hands just right and then shove your thumb in your mouth. Once you "assume the position" we know it won't be long until you are zonked out. We wonder if we will have to tear this blanket away from you in the dead of night when you are 9 to avoid any mental scarring, but for now, it's a comfort to you and that's a good thing. We got smart and bought two extra, leaving one in your crib and one in the car. You kind of suck on them so they get pretty nasty quickly, and one of them is usually in the wash at all times.

When you are awake, you are moving. You are never still. Even when you are drinking your bottle, you are kicking your feet or patting our arms. You are pulling yourself up like crazy now, and can cruise very well on the furniture. To our dismay, you are also an expert at climbing stairs, so needless to say we bought a gate this month. You don't like roadblocks, and will dive headfirst into or over things to get where you want to go. You've just begun standing for a few seconds without holding on...you discovered that when you wanted to clap your hands while standing up. Everything still requires applause:

You are still a happy, loving, easy going little boy. We have spent many weekends at BBQ's with family and friends, and you've enjoyed it all with us. You still have a love affair with cupcakes:

It's now become a habit for everyone to give you one wherever we go. I suppose it won't kill you, athough no one really gives us a choice...I don't hold you much when we are around family. Everyone snaps you up and you seem to be okay with it. You love your grandparents and your aunt and uncle very much, which absolutely delights them.

It has been so much fun spending our favorite time of year with you. We love you more each day.

Monthly update - 8 months old

Dear Seamonkey:


These have been some incredibly busy months! So busy that I haven’t had a moment to sit down and write your last two monthly updates.

May was your eighth month, and we celebrated a lot things. First was our 10th Wedding Anniversary. We were so happy to celebrate this milestone with you. I originally wanted to do something big and fancy, but I found that it was just wonderful to go to a local restaurant with you and your grandparents and just be together. It was the first time you were in a restaurant highchair and you did pretty well. You got antsy only after a good 25 minutes.


We also celebrated my first Mother’s Day. Once again I was happy to keep things simple and spend the day with you and your father. It was a beautiful day, and we spent it shopping and hanging out with both sets of grandparents. You were in a good mood all day and we had alot of fun with you. It was a little surreal for me to finally have a child on Mother's Day, and I don't think it ever really sunk all the way in.

We took you on your second official plane ride to Florida to visit family and have a mini vacation. You did well on the plane, although you liked to flirt with all the women you see. Those eyelashes are irresistible, and I fear for the safety of your future female classmates. We schlepped you from hotel to hotel, constantly in and out of cars and strollers and you rolled with the punches like a champ. You even slept well, considering we put you in all kinds of make shift beds. We did manage to put you in a hotel crib when we could:During this vacation we brought you to see Aunt M in her new house. Upon arrival, we set you on the floor and you immediately started to crawl for the first time. We couldn’t believe it. We aren’t sure what prompted you to do it, but from that point on we couldn’t turn our backs on your for a second. You were thrilled with this new found skill too, and decided that every inch of your world must be explored post haste. What we thought was going to be a relaxing beach vacation turned out to be quite the opposite, but it was exciting to see you interacting with your surroundings more.
Although we deferred your swimming lessons until the fall (because you were getting too traumatized) you LOVED the pool in Florida. We took you to three different pools and you couldn’t get enough of them. You splashed and splashed like crazy, only stopping when you got water in your mouth. Everyone couldn’t believe how much fun you were having.
Speaking of fun, you also learned to clap on this trip. We had been trying to teach you for some weeks, and then all of a sudden you did it! Now you do it all the time. You will be crawling and then you will suddenly stop and look at us and clap, expecting us to say “YAY!” every time. Yes, my prince, everything you do requires applause.
On the not so fun side, you got your first tooth this month. You were pretty cranky, so we knew something was up. Although you didn’t drool at all, you did pull at your ears a bit and gnaw on everything you could get your hands on (not to mention the voluminous nasty diapers). You look even more adorable with your one little snaggle tooth on the bottom.

Your sleeping habits have changed alot. You no longer sleep on your back in your "victory pose", but rather on your stomach or side...and you are very restless all night. You have been known to wake up in the middle of the night, sit up and start babbling, then flump back down with no warning, usually with your butt up in the air.You are still doing well foodwise...there really isn't anything you don't like the taste of. We've tried to move you to stage 3 foods, but you don't really care for the half mush half solid consistency. We can give you all mush, or all solid, but the combo makes you gag. We have started to give you little pieces of table food like chicken or cheese and you like them just fine. We're not pushing it though, you make quite the mess and feeding takes forever that way. Bread is the miracle worker though...give you a hunk of hard bread(or baby cookie) and you will stay quiet for as long as there is a piece solid enough to hold.

And sometimes when I'm not looking, your grandparents slip you something better:
We love you Monkey, more than words can say.

Unsent

Dear X:

It's been like a year and a half since we last spoke. I can't believe it, can you? Are you glad? Do you miss me? Are you angry? Or sad? Both? Neither?

As for me, I'm both. I think about you pretty much every day. I miss our friendship terribly. When I think about how your kids are almost two and they don't know who I am it makes me very very sad. I stood by you through your difficult journey to get those kids, and now I feel like I'm being cheated out of the final reward. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. I was supposed to be there. Buy them toys that annoy their parents, give them too much candy, teach them to say things they shouldn't say just for the entertainment factor. But somehow we ended up here in this awful place.

I am still angry. And I guess that anger is overriding my sadness or else I would have reached out to you by now. I may not have said the right words, and I may have over reacted, but I had a real reason to be angry that night. I was frustrated with my situation having just spent another freaking Christmas without a child, while in the middle of my third and final cycle which wasn't looking promising. I had alot of shit going on in my head and I was trying very hard to keep it all in. I know you were busy and life wasn't all wine and roses for you then either, but I felt abandoned during what was becoming the worst time of my life - having to finally accept pregnancy would never happen. Abandoned by someone who knew FIRST HAND how hard it all was to deal with, just when I needed her most. I guess you could say I abandoned you as well, you weren't having an easy time of it either, but dammit, I still say that I would have killed to have your problems at that point, and that is the part I just cannot get over.

I thought that somehow things would blow over...expecting our husbands to see the ridiculousness of all of it - but apparently they didn't have the energy (or the balls, take your pick) to get involved. I suppose it got worse when I didn't acknowledge your nephew being born - but honest to God I didn't even know until many weeks later, and at that point I felt like an idiot. I saw your cousin on the train, which was horribly awkward because I wasn't sure what she knew or how she felt. I said I would email but I didn't. My biggest regret in this whole thing (more than even my choice of words that night) is that I didn't at least send your sister a card.

So, I think you got back at me by not acknowledging the major incident that occurred in my life right after that, and honestly, that's where you lost my husband. He can't understand how our stupid fight didn't go right out the window when you heard the news, and how you didn't send some kind of acknowledgement of what I was going through. Funny, that part doesn't bother me so much, I think because I feel it's a trade off about your nephew. But that made him very angry. I think its the reason he didn't acknowledge your husband's email about our 10 year wedding anniversary. Was that an attempt to open the door to reconciliation? I secretly hoped so. I'm not sure how or if he responded, he won't talk to me about it so I stopped asking.

Several months ago he ran into an old mutual friend of ours. Even though you and she had stopped talking to each other since your pregnancy, she knew about our adoption indirectly through you. She asked him to have me call her to get together since we hadn't seen each other in such a long whille. It may surprise you to know that I won't do it...she will always be your friend first, and if you two still aren't speaking I think it would be a betrayal to you for me to talk to her now. Seems ridiculous under the current circumstances, but something won't let me do it. He brought the baby to see her though, did you know that? Did it bother you?

There have been many funny things that I wished I could share with you...I've played imaginary conversations in my head of the jokes we would make about stuff that has happened. The biggest one of course being that our old friend "Hat" is pregnant. Oh how I wish I could talk to you about that...how you found out, how you reacted, how everyone must be going nuts over it. If we ever speak again, I've got about 16 hours of material on it.

Despite my overriding anger, I do hope that somehow we can get back some part of what we lost. If I had my way, circumstances would arrange themselves so that we would get together without either one of us having to make the first move - some kind of spontaneous accidental encounter. I'm sure we both have alot to say to each other - there must be parts of this that I can't understand because I am too blinded by my own feelings. Or who knows - maybe you are okay with having this friendship end - you've always had alot of people around you, and didn't necessarily need me. I wish I knew so I could get some kind of closure on this. Until then, I'll just continue to wonder how you feel and wait for an inevitable awkward encounter around town.

In any case, I hope you are well. I hope your family is happy and your kids are healthy. I hope you are thinking the same thing about me and mine.