Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Speechless for once

You'll notice I just posted two very late monthly updates. I am a bad mommy blogger. He's well into month 10 and I am just posting these now. In truth, it was hard to even remember what happened when, but I did my best. I should start drafting the 10 month post while things are still fresh...oh the drawbacks of being an old mom.

Thanks for all your kind comments on my unsent letter. The letter will remain unsent, for many of the reasons you all didn't send your letters...resentful, stubborn, afraid of rejection...you know. I don't get the sense that this whole thing is quite over yet, I don't think too much time has passed, but I could be wrong. I have this feeling that I am destined to run into her somewhere soon, and truthfully I panic a little every time I am in a place I know she could be (we only live 10 minutes apart). I suppose time will reveal all...we'll just have to see. It is amazing how we all have one of those letters in our back pockets, huh?

I had a very awkward conversation today, and I have alot of mixed emotions about it. I was talking to someone who is about my age, and who I always guessed was affected by infertility because he and his wife do not have children. We have known each other for a while, but only recently have had cause to talk more frequently. I try to be conscious about what I say around him, because I know what it was like to hear people prattle on endlessly about their kids. Today, as we made small talk about family and things, he told me that he and his wife had made the decision not to have children, since all their efforts to concieve were unsuccesful. They felt that it just wasn't meant to be. Would you believe that I had not one clue on how to respond? I kind of stared down at the table and tried my best to sympathize with him - I let him know we went through 3 horrible years of it too. Turns out we went to the same clinic at one point. He didn't really want to talk about it so the words kind of just hung in the air between us. I guess he just wanted to let me know - I asked him if he considered adoption and he said yes, they decided it just wasn't for them.

I was at a total loss on what to say and it really bothered me. It's not really my business, I am nothing to him, but maybe I wanted to help him in some way and I couldn't. I feel like I should have said more, or said the right thing to want him to talk about it. Of course, I wanted to tell him that adoption was the best thing that ever happened to me. That I too thought that God was trying to tell me something and that the day I saw my son's face that feeling completely evaporated. But who I am to say that to him? Who knows what his reasons are and what does it matter, really.

I feel like I should follow up the conversation with an email or something - Something to acknowledge that I appreciate him telling me, that I'm sorry it was awkward, and if he ever wants to talk about adoption, I'm available. Think I should? Or just let it lie?

In other news, it's hot as hell here today. Feels like 106 outside. Yesterday I had jury duty. I had to laugh at the people who were bitching about it. You'd rather be at work in this heat? I had a lovely time sitting around in the nice air conditioning, crocheting away and people watching. I never got called - at the end of the day we were released for time served. Now I'm good for 6 years. I was kind of hoping I did get picked, I think it would have been interesting. But it's okay, we're going away for the weekend beginning on Friday and it would have sucked if I had to cancel.

Are you staying cool?


Rob, Dana, & Billy said...

Man, you were a typing fool today! Thanks for all the updates! It's so fun looking at all the pictures and wondering what my child will look like!

Elle said...

I sat here and thought I could write a meaningful comment on the conversation with the guy, but find myself stammering too. I might send him an email, but wouldn't bring up adoption. There are quite a few people out there who just aren't ready for adoption. Many have to work past their infertility grief first. Maybe offer to lend your ear in other matters or help him work through the grief process. Adoption may or may not come for them.

And it is friggen hot here too. Our answer, buy more fans. We live in a wind tunnel.

Bumble said...

I might have said yes, send him the mail, but I guess I don't have any experience in the adoption process, but if it was me, I think I might have liked to have the info in case it was something I later decided to persue. And also to know there was someone out there I could talk to about it.

And as usual, your letters to Seamonkey and phots are just lovely. What a happy gorgeous little boy you have!

Samantha said...

If you want to follow up on the conversation, you could send him an email saying that it was good to see him, and you're really sorry that he had to go through everything. If he ever needs anyone one to talk to, you'd be happy to listen.

Simple but lets him know that you're thinking of him without trying to push anything on him one way or another.

Rachael said...

If you click on the actual word "title" it will then let you enter your title. I just figured that out by accident. I don't know what's up with that.

Your conversation with that guy just illustrates how hard it is to know the right things to say in so many situations. Not wanting to offend, but trying to help. It just goes to show, that even the people we think make thoughtless comments about things, maybe just don't really know what to say.

It it's still bothering you in a day or 2, maybe just a short email?

Your monthly Seamonkey updates are so sweet. He's going to treasure that someday. Why didn't I write that stuff down???

P.S. I (sort of) tagged you in my post.

Miss Scarlett said...

Oh. That is so rough.
I hate it when you have all the heart intentions and none of the words.
Hopefully he could feel your response. I hope they get to a place where they are willing to let the love they could receive through adoption in. Maybe this is a stage and it is too painful for them to face yet.
I can't even think of anything else to say - so rough because you just don't know what else people have had to go through that leads them to where they are.
I do hope that he and his wife can find peace and a way to share the love they want to give to a child.
Ok - enough rambling - I can't find the right words to say what I mean.
Givin' my head a shake!

Andrea said...

I would send him an email that just says you understand what it's like, and if he ever needs to talk, you're there. Keep the door open without being too awkward.

annmarie said...

He may be in a grieving stage which is why he chose to share this news with you. Maybe he wasn't expecting you to say anything, but the door is open now and he may find comfort in your knowing. You know how it is, when your world is a pile of shit, sometimes you just need someone to give you that knowing sympathetic smile or a pat on the back. Just let him know you get it. And I still want to squish your child.

ruth said...

Seamonkey is as gorgeous as ever, and I loved reading the updates.

Lauren said...

If it were me I would probably send an email follow up. This way he can read whatever it is you still want to say to him. He can choose to respond or not. But he will know that you are there for him to talk to if he chooses to say more.

mama k said...

Seamonkey is adorable as always!

I guess I feel that people have to live with the decisions they've made for their life. Obviously infertility was not a choice, but remaining childless is. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive but I don't really understand why someone (like DH's Aunt and Uncle) would choose not to adopt if they truely wanted to be parents. As you all know, being a parent is not dependent on passing on your DNA.

Jenni said...

I'm just catching up on blogs after our road trip, so I apologize for not commenting sooner, especially on your "Unsent" post. I had a situation like that with a friend too, which occurred while she was pregnant and I was not. People get strange during those times. Anyway, we have since become friends again (she made the first move - I was too stubborn and hurt), but we will never be friends like we were.

It's kind of crazy how a rift like that can occur between such good friends who should know each other better and just say, "What the hell is going on? Let's fix this and move on already!"

I hope that things work themselves out with time between you and your friend. And if you do run into each other in public, I hope you see her first and have time to mentally prepare!

About your friend who feels that God doesn't want him and his wife to be parents, I think we all may have felt that way at one time or another when we had difficulty getting pregnant. That's something everyone has to come to terms with. Maybe if he and his wife see you guys with SeaMonkey, they may consider adoption more? That's what happened with a friend of ours, who didn't believe adopted kids would ever truly be "yours." She's completely changed her mind on that one, and we didn't have too say a thing! Just seeing us with our kids did it all for her. Sending an e-mail addressing the awkwardness of the meeting could be a good idea though.

Sorry this comment is so long!

katd said...

That boy just gets better looking:)

I have a similar situation with my sister's sister-in-law. They've tried for years and suffered three miscarriages, but they, too, aren't interested in adoption. I wish they could feel just for one second what I feel for my daughter because I think it would help them reconsider.

jeneflower said...

When someone says that they tried for a long time to have children and then they couldn't and so they decided not to have children rather than adopt- it just makes me have a bad feeling. I don't know why. I guess my mind screams-Like WHY? WHY NOT? I don't know -it just makes me feel bad- even kind of angry for some reason. I can't really pinpoint it. If they had never wanted children than it would be different I think.

Chebbles' Mama said...

Hi! I found your blog at Stirrup Queens and wanted to say that I really love the way you write, and your son is so amazing! The post about his name was a real keeper, too.