Thursday, July 05, 2007

Unsent

Dear X:

It's been like a year and a half since we last spoke. I can't believe it, can you? Are you glad? Do you miss me? Are you angry? Or sad? Both? Neither?

As for me, I'm both. I think about you pretty much every day. I miss our friendship terribly. When I think about how your kids are almost two and they don't know who I am it makes me very very sad. I stood by you through your difficult journey to get those kids, and now I feel like I'm being cheated out of the final reward. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. I was supposed to be there. Buy them toys that annoy their parents, give them too much candy, teach them to say things they shouldn't say just for the entertainment factor. But somehow we ended up here in this awful place.

I am still angry. And I guess that anger is overriding my sadness or else I would have reached out to you by now. I may not have said the right words, and I may have over reacted, but I had a real reason to be angry that night. I was frustrated with my situation having just spent another freaking Christmas without a child, while in the middle of my third and final cycle which wasn't looking promising. I had alot of shit going on in my head and I was trying very hard to keep it all in. I know you were busy and life wasn't all wine and roses for you then either, but I felt abandoned during what was becoming the worst time of my life - having to finally accept pregnancy would never happen. Abandoned by someone who knew FIRST HAND how hard it all was to deal with, just when I needed her most. I guess you could say I abandoned you as well, you weren't having an easy time of it either, but dammit, I still say that I would have killed to have your problems at that point, and that is the part I just cannot get over.

I thought that somehow things would blow over...expecting our husbands to see the ridiculousness of all of it - but apparently they didn't have the energy (or the balls, take your pick) to get involved. I suppose it got worse when I didn't acknowledge your nephew being born - but honest to God I didn't even know until many weeks later, and at that point I felt like an idiot. I saw your cousin on the train, which was horribly awkward because I wasn't sure what she knew or how she felt. I said I would email but I didn't. My biggest regret in this whole thing (more than even my choice of words that night) is that I didn't at least send your sister a card.

So, I think you got back at me by not acknowledging the major incident that occurred in my life right after that, and honestly, that's where you lost my husband. He can't understand how our stupid fight didn't go right out the window when you heard the news, and how you didn't send some kind of acknowledgement of what I was going through. Funny, that part doesn't bother me so much, I think because I feel it's a trade off about your nephew. But that made him very angry. I think its the reason he didn't acknowledge your husband's email about our 10 year wedding anniversary. Was that an attempt to open the door to reconciliation? I secretly hoped so. I'm not sure how or if he responded, he won't talk to me about it so I stopped asking.

Several months ago he ran into an old mutual friend of ours. Even though you and she had stopped talking to each other since your pregnancy, she knew about our adoption indirectly through you. She asked him to have me call her to get together since we hadn't seen each other in such a long whille. It may surprise you to know that I won't do it...she will always be your friend first, and if you two still aren't speaking I think it would be a betrayal to you for me to talk to her now. Seems ridiculous under the current circumstances, but something won't let me do it. He brought the baby to see her though, did you know that? Did it bother you?

There have been many funny things that I wished I could share with you...I've played imaginary conversations in my head of the jokes we would make about stuff that has happened. The biggest one of course being that our old friend "Hat" is pregnant. Oh how I wish I could talk to you about that...how you found out, how you reacted, how everyone must be going nuts over it. If we ever speak again, I've got about 16 hours of material on it.

Despite my overriding anger, I do hope that somehow we can get back some part of what we lost. If I had my way, circumstances would arrange themselves so that we would get together without either one of us having to make the first move - some kind of spontaneous accidental encounter. I'm sure we both have alot to say to each other - there must be parts of this that I can't understand because I am too blinded by my own feelings. Or who knows - maybe you are okay with having this friendship end - you've always had alot of people around you, and didn't necessarily need me. I wish I knew so I could get some kind of closure on this. Until then, I'll just continue to wonder how you feel and wait for an inevitable awkward encounter around town.

In any case, I hope you are well. I hope your family is happy and your kids are healthy. I hope you are thinking the same thing about me and mine.

20 comments:

Beagle said...

I have one similar. Unsent as well. Every week I think I might send it then I don't and now it seems like so much time has made it even more awkward.

Will you send yours?

Michelle Smiles said...

I have one of these as well. We seem to havce decided to put each other on the polite Christmas card list. I hate that. I hate that all she knows of Sabrina is the adoption announcement card I sent her. I hate that her children, my Godchildren, don't know me other than a name from the past now. But she has made it clear this is how she wants it (at least I have that...yours seems less clear) so I've accepted the end of our 20 year friendship for no discernable reason.

Rob, Dana, & Billy said...

Add me to the list. My "best friend" couldn't handle it when I got married and wasn't at her beck and call so things went sour, but not bad. I didn't tell her that we were trying to get pregnant. My back hurt so I went to the PA at the local clinic. She wanted to do an XRay and asked if I was pregnant. Of course I started bawling and she put it in my medical records that we were trying. My "friend" was the transcriptionist. The final straw for me was when she told everyone what was in my medical records. My letter to her is much nastier.

Rachael said...

You should send the letter.

I had a falling out with a really good friend 10 years ago. Everyone who knows us mutually says she's such a b*tch, they can't understand why I was ever friends with her. I kind of miss her though. And every now and then something funny happens that I know only her and I would "get". We had a lot of good times together. I have a sneaking suspicion it was partly my fault too -- the falling out.

But, too much time has gone by now. I'd feel stupid reaching out now, and also deep down kind of fearful she'd reject my efforts, or that she'd turn it around and make me feel like the b*tch I've been thinking she is for all these years.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded, but if I could write such as poignant as yours (and rewind time 8 or 9 years) I would.

Rachael said...

I left out a word. Poignant LETTER.

I have GOT to learn to proofread BEFORE I publish. :-)

Bezzie said...

I had one like this too. We sort of reconciled, but it was too late, our paths had diverged too much.

Samantha said...

Your letter is beautiful and a honest effort reaching out to your friend. I don't know if things will be reconciled, but I hope she will still be in your future.

Maggie said...

Yep. Change a few of the details and I could send this to my friend K. I'll never know why, but she couldn't handle my adopting. We never had a blow-out. She just avoided the topic one too many times and stopped making any effort. I miss her. To be honest, I don't know too many people who haven't lost a friend or two during the process of adoption. I'm not sure why...

Bumble said...

You should send the letter. Its honest from your side and you're letting her know how you feel. It'll be up to her then. Maybe if you still think about it alot, you should try. Then you know you did.

Oh, I loved your previous post too, it made me cry!

Tricia said...

I think we all agree you should send this to Hallmark and ask for royalties. I've been there as well.

I think it has just enough heart to show you care; but not too much. I can't imagine anyone who would not respond - whether good, or with a reason not to continue the friendship.

Andrea said...

Although I haven't been exactly in your shoes, I am sure we all have unsent letters written somewhere. I say send it. Do it for your friendship, and for those of us who never had the guts to say what needed to be said.

MMrussianadoption said...

you must send this. dont let more months go by. it will hurt you more. you need closure. hopefully it will turn out for the best.

Barely Sane said...

Yup... I've got a "friend" like that as well. She was the only person I knew who had lost a parent, had a m/c and suffered thru IF (she eventually did have a baby) and all I was told when venting was "get over it"

Hope writing the letter helped you a bit.

Lise in NJ said...

As deeply as you feel this, you probably ought to send it.

Jenny and Matt said...

Man, does everyone have one of these?

I still have dreams about, constantly wonder about and often miss my old friend. That next to last paragraph is exactly what I have thought, too.... 'if only we could meet up by chance somewhere and either re-befriend or not. Just give me some sort of closure.'
If you'll send yours, I'll send mine......

chou-chou said...

Wow - seems like more of us HAVE one of these than don't.

Never would have thought that was the case!

Good for you for writing it down - sometimes that can get you 99% of the way there, you know?

Miss Scarlett said...

So sad how many of us could be sending letters like this.
Then again, maybe for some it was just time to move on.
But if the regret is lingering, I say send it.
Wishing you a positive response.

Rob, Dana, & Billy said...

Totally not related to this post...Have you seen this video? I thought of you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hwqevf2OSrQ

Jane-Jane said...

I always have a "friend" that gets offended when I/we move. Is it my fault that I refuse to be miserable and move? Or now that I am a follower of Jesus, that I am following His leading for our family and not happy with being stagnant and out of His will?
Amazing how we are so relational and emotional that we look for perfection in our friends, only to be disappointed.

Amy said...

Wow.. I found it surprising how many people commented so far with the same type of situation! Add me to the list.. though last year I actually sent my letter. No reply, but I sent it through an email service that notified me that it was read.
I was a little saddened that she didn't feel she could reply, but it has closed 'her' chapter in my life. Believe it or not, I rarely think about her anymore.. I guess I just needed closure.
You should seriously consider sending your letter, it may bring you some peace.