Sunday, November 12, 2006

Oh Well

So no call. Which pretty much means it's not going to happen this year. Since the average in-country stay is 6 weeks, and since the country pretty much closes down from 12/15 to 1/15, if it were to happen this year we would have already gotten the call. I am a little disappointed, because I really thought it was going to happen before Christmas, and I am usually right about those things! I guess it is partly our fault, because we could have gotten our paperwork in a little earlier. I thought at the time that we were the only people going through our agency and therefore had more time. I didn't know that there were really two other couples ahead of us. Maybe if I had realized that I would have moved my butt a little faster. Oh well.

But don't cry for me Argentina...I'm okay with waiting actually. I was thinking about that today...wondering why I am not freaking out about it. For someone who gets pissed off if she has to wait 2 extra seconds on the express line at the grocery store, you think I'd be throwing a hissy fit. I think I figured it out though. I think it's because I am enjoying my freedom from infertility. The last three years (before we stopped treatment in February) were a complete nightmare. Shots and hormones and baby showers (oh my!) were a constant drain on my mental state. Once we finally stopped treatment, I stopped being defined by my infertility. I went back to being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a boss, a friend. Not at first of course, it took time to remember how to be happy and hopeful again. I could liken it to a hibernation of sorts...I came out of the dark cave disoriented and squinting from the bright sun, and needed to slowly get used to the real world again. It's no small thing. People who haven't been through it don't get it, and maybe I didn't realize myself how bad I was until now, when I can see how changed I am. I've wasted so much time being miserable that it is such a relief to again find joy in the smallest things...watching tv with my husband, shopping for new clothes, going to lunch with a girlfriend (which I did yesterday for the first time in a VERY long time), happy hour with co-workers. I think it's important for me to relish this time, so that I am really ready for motherhood and not weighed down by grief and frustration that plagued me for so long. And while we would have loved to have the baby home for the holidays, we can see the benefit of enjoying one last Thanksgiving and Christmas with just us. We'll be parents for the rest of our lives (whether you like it or not as my mom says!) so another few months won't kill us. I also try to remember that no matter how frustrating this process is, it does not ever compare to the pain we experienced during the treatment years.

I've found myself visiting the infertility blogs much more often these days. I'm not sure why. I feel like I still need to be connected to that world. It's a sisterhood I will always be a part of, so maybe I don't want them to forget me (or me them). I guess I am in a place now where I am comfortable rooting them on. I do feel sad when I see other women clearly still defined by their infertility. Women struggling to decide when enough is enough. I feel that it is my responsibility to offer what support I can, even if it is just to tell them I've been there and yes, it sucks monkey toes, and yes, it's okay to cry until you're numb. Maybe too, some will see that there is life after infertility, that eventually you wake up from a halfway decent night's sleep and not hate yourself. That you manage to get up the energy to do your hair a little fancy, put on that new eyeshadow and smile at yourself in the mirror. That you find yourself singing to the radio more and kissing your husband hello when you get home. That adoption might be the path you were always meant to take, even if the road is a little longer than you first thought.

28 comments:

Sharon G. said...

Such a powerful post - I'm sorry it's a no-go for right now, but your strength and clarity through it all are inspiring.
You're right, though. Enjoy being two, enjoy being YOU again. And go drinks lots of margaritas with the girls.

Anonymous said...

"I stopped being defined by my infertility"

How very powerful and how very important! Enjoy this extra time to heal and just be a couple.

Of course I still hope you get that call ASAP! : )

Denise :o) said...

I'm hoping you still get your call soon.

Welcome back to the real world. I know exactly what you mean about your whole world being defined by your infertility. It's a wonder I even have any friends left. I was a miserable, bitter woman for many, many years. I'm soooooooo glad those days are over. If only I knew how good adopting and giving up on ttc would feel, I'd done it alot sooner. I belong to a group of wonderful women who have been in the ttc journey for 6+ yrs. Some have finally been blessed with their miracles, others are still trying, while others are living child free. I still cheer them all on and wish they could feel the excitement and happiness I feel right now. Infertility sucks. It's something that ties us all together. Only someone who's been through it knows the pain and heart ache it causes. Here's to much happier times for you and your husband. Enjoy the time you have left with your him because it won't be long and you'll be busy with your little one!! :o)))

Kay/Hanazono said...

Thanks for writing this post. It's good to know that the world will let you reenter after being away so long -- I think that is why many of stay in our infertility caves long after it's clear that we should come out.

You have such a great attitude about all of the wait, and I know you'll make the most of this holiday season just the two of you :)

Laura said...

Beautiful post.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a speedy referral. Maybe both of us will get THE call from Colombia earlier rather than later in 2007.

Yesterday we celebrated our 4th year gotcha day. A few weeks ago we accepted the fact that the call for our second referral wouldn't come this year and somehow, we are ok.

Elle said...

It will happen. You will get the call.

Our infertility journey was not nearly as long as most, but our adoption wait was horrible. I was mean, bitter, and depressed all the time. I tried so hard not to let it define me as a person. When we lost Little A I looked at CS and said, "I will not let this govern the rest of my life." I try so hard to move past all of that. It is difficult, but every day is a little better.

KimN said...

Great post and definitely sums up a lot of what I felt during our adoption as well.

I hope your call comes soon.

del said...

Sorry it won't happen this year, but you seem to be at peace with it & that's important. The fact is, it WILL happen & yes, you'll be parents for the rest of your lives.

Irshlas said...

"That adoption might be the path you were always meant to take .... "

During the infertility battle, words like these cut me like a knife. Today, they seem so painfully obvious. Your post mirrored my thoughts of late and I thank you for sharing it. We will be visiting our son for the first time over the Thanksgiving holidays. He may not be home before Christmas, but he will be home eventually! Best wishes to you on your referral and I hope it comes soon.

Beagle said...

What a wonderful post.

Enjoy your holidays and may your new year bring you a new family member!

I can totally relate to the analogy of emerging from a cave. I am teetering in that place where I still duck back into mine, but I am also at a point where I can see that it *might* be OK in the end.

Thalia said...

Sorry to hear that you won't get to meet your child this year, but thank you for the optimistic note on which to consider this news. It's very empowering to read posts like this.

wavybrains said...

Wonderful post. I think you have the right attitude. I find that I'm much more pragmatic about waiting right now, having got my head in the right place--finally. Waiting always sucks--but once you know the destination, it feels so much easier. Once I came to terms with the PCOS, REALLY came to terms with it--suddenly waiting seemed so much easier, and other parts of life resumed their normal importance. I'm sorry that your referral won't be before the holidays. Maybe a valentine's day baby? :)

MAMB said...

It is so freeing - I'm glad you are okay and finding yourself in a good place.

Jenni said...

What a wonderful post! You captured my feelings perfectly. Once you finally stop ttc, it is as if a weight is lifted off your shoulders. You can have a normal relationship with your husband again and really move on with your life (which ever direction it may take).

Another nice thing about stopping the whole ttc thing and being OK with it - I went to a baby shower this weekend with a lot of pregnant women, and didn't once look at them and feel that anything was lacking in my life. :)

Margaret said...

Sorry that it doesn't look like things will happen before Xmas. But what a beautiful outlook you have.

-Jenny said...

That sucks that it won't happen. I was soo sure it would. that just stinks, although you seem totally at ease with it. I loved the IF part of the post. Soo sweet and true.

-J

steph said...

With IF there is always a wait. Oh, hold on, in LIFE there's always a wait! It's easy for us infertiles to forget there's an L and E surrounding our struggles. If it's not one thing, it's another.
Have a good holiday knowing that you're in the wait, but at least you know what for!

Lauri said...

Just popping in to say Hi. Im sorry that you did not get the call. I really can relate to the infertility stuff

Chelsi said...

This post was awesome - it sums up how I feel exactly!! Good for you for focusing on the positive. Keep that attitude up, for you will be a mom soon :)

Roxie said...

Bravo, Dear Heart. You have permission to enjoy every day, regardless of the surrounding circumstances! What a sane, healthy attitude you have. Strong, happy people make strong happy parents. You are just getting a little extra practice time. Blessings on you!

Debbie said...

Great post. Glad you are content with waiting just a little bit longer.

My husband and I have grown closer through the adoption process. It's amazing to watch. And we aren't even in the waiting phase yet.

Anonymous said...

you are awesome - thank you - thank you - thank you.....

i wanted our baby to be here by now - by thanksgiving, by holiday photo time - now presidents day seems over optimistic...

it's out of our hands- there must be a reason why...

glad we have each other...

Amy Lane said...

This was nice... this was wonderful in fact... I'm so glad you're feeling sanguine and at peace with everything... and, as my time gets more and more scarce and can only tell you that taking advantage of your 'together' time will be one of the best investments you can make:-)

MMrussianadoption said...

wow that was a very powerful entry. I am glad you are able to move forward. Sorry about having to wait until next year. Maybe a miracle will happen in the next week.

Barely Sane said...

Yes, yes, yes!!! I agree with EVERYTHING you said! The relief is huge and so freeing. I can once again see pg women and not be mad. I can see babies and not tear up. I can look at & touch baby stuff w/o retracting my hand like I've just been burned.

You are right... it is SO good to be happy again and not defined by a fertility treatment schedule.

Hoping and praying your call comes soon. But in the meantime, smiling that you are enjoying what little "couple" time you have left.

Hugs!!

Miss Scarlett said...

This is an incredible post. What a voyage you two have been on.
Enjoy your time together - which it sounds like you are - soon your circle will be larger.
Your attitude re: the wait is inspiring.
Your last sentence is very powerful.

Stacey, Mike & Adrianna David said...

I am teary eyed all the way from Bogota. I am a little fragile about the whole motherhood thing these days. =)

Thanks for a great post.
The girls are napping and I popped over to see what's up with you.

You have the right out look for sure. Your child will be blessed when you make it to Bogota!

Hugs,
Stacey and the chicas

Sig said...

I am sorry, this waiting is for the birds. However, it will be SOON, you have waited so long already! And when that day comes we will all be celebrating with you!