Oh Well

So no call. Which pretty much means it's not going to happen this year. Since the average in-country stay is 6 weeks, and since the country pretty much closes down from 12/15 to 1/15, if it were to happen this year we would have already gotten the call. I am a little disappointed, because I really thought it was going to happen before Christmas, and I am usually right about those things! I guess it is partly our fault, because we could have gotten our paperwork in a little earlier. I thought at the time that we were the only people going through our agency and therefore had more time. I didn't know that there were really two other couples ahead of us. Maybe if I had realized that I would have moved my butt a little faster. Oh well.

But don't cry for me Argentina...I'm okay with waiting actually. I was thinking about that today...wondering why I am not freaking out about it. For someone who gets pissed off if she has to wait 2 extra seconds on the express line at the grocery store, you think I'd be throwing a hissy fit. I think I figured it out though. I think it's because I am enjoying my freedom from infertility. The last three years (before we stopped treatment in February) were a complete nightmare. Shots and hormones and baby showers (oh my!) were a constant drain on my mental state. Once we finally stopped treatment, I stopped being defined by my infertility. I went back to being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a boss, a friend. Not at first of course, it took time to remember how to be happy and hopeful again. I could liken it to a hibernation of sorts...I came out of the dark cave disoriented and squinting from the bright sun, and needed to slowly get used to the real world again. It's no small thing. People who haven't been through it don't get it, and maybe I didn't realize myself how bad I was until now, when I can see how changed I am. I've wasted so much time being miserable that it is such a relief to again find joy in the smallest things...watching tv with my husband, shopping for new clothes, going to lunch with a girlfriend (which I did yesterday for the first time in a VERY long time), happy hour with co-workers. I think it's important for me to relish this time, so that I am really ready for motherhood and not weighed down by grief and frustration that plagued me for so long. And while we would have loved to have the baby home for the holidays, we can see the benefit of enjoying one last Thanksgiving and Christmas with just us. We'll be parents for the rest of our lives (whether you like it or not as my mom says!) so another few months won't kill us. I also try to remember that no matter how frustrating this process is, it does not ever compare to the pain we experienced during the treatment years.

I've found myself visiting the infertility blogs much more often these days. I'm not sure why. I feel like I still need to be connected to that world. It's a sisterhood I will always be a part of, so maybe I don't want them to forget me (or me them). I guess I am in a place now where I am comfortable rooting them on. I do feel sad when I see other women clearly still defined by their infertility. Women struggling to decide when enough is enough. I feel that it is my responsibility to offer what support I can, even if it is just to tell them I've been there and yes, it sucks monkey toes, and yes, it's okay to cry until you're numb. Maybe too, some will see that there is life after infertility, that eventually you wake up from a halfway decent night's sleep and not hate yourself. That you manage to get up the energy to do your hair a little fancy, put on that new eyeshadow and smile at yourself in the mirror. That you find yourself singing to the radio more and kissing your husband hello when you get home. That adoption might be the path you were always meant to take, even if the road is a little longer than you first thought.