White or Whole Wheat?

I’m not really surprised that I’m the breadwinner. If you told me that I’d end up this way back when I was in college, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. I've always been the ambitious sort. It's my creative mind and inquisitive nature that makes figuring things out and solving problems a welcome challenge. So with any job I've had, I get very passionate about doing things accurately and efficiently. My type A personality gets people to listen to me and take me seriously, so I am able to lead projects and people pretty well. And all that naturally makes bosses happy. And we all know what happens when you do a good job - you get more work. No good deed goes unpunished as it were. So I've been able to make my way up the corporate ladder kind of by default. Before I knew it, I was on a pretty high rung and lo and behold what started out as a job has become a career.

BT on the other hand, has never really been interested in a career. He had a very good job before Seamonkey came along, but he was never looking to build any empires. He was satisfied to never have to manage anyone, and was never interested in climbing up the corporate ladder even if it meant more prestige or more money. One might think I would be turned off by his lack of ambition, but weirdly enough he is a nice ying to my yang. He keeps me grounded and makes sure I do fun stuff too. He is also more of a nurturer than I am. He loves to cook big elaborate meals, preferably something he’s never tried before, and serve them to family and friends. He likes things clean and orderly (and may have an unnatural addiction to cleaning products and organizer bins). He is kind and extremely sensitive, and genuinely the most considerate person I know (how on earth he ever married me will always be a mystery (even he doesn’t know) but that’s fodder for another post). In any case, he clearly makes the better stay at home parent, and I am clearly more suited to working. That, and my paycheck was (much) bigger. So here we are.

I’ve been back to work for three weeks now. So far, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything at home. Seamonkey pretty much eats and sleeps all day, with a little play time thrown in. He hasn’t done anything monumental in my absence. I don’t totally resent BT being home at this point. He is often up and awake before I am. He warms up my car and makes my lunch, and reminds me of anything important I need to know for the day. Other than maybe some mismatched outfits, he does a purty darned good job of taking care of the boy. He also makes sure I get plenty of bonding time with the boy when I get home.

It’s always interesting when people ask me who is taking care of the baby while I’m at work. Depending upon the gender and age of the person, I get a whole range of reactions. Interestingly enough, the Fish just returned from maternity leave. She has a decently prominent position here, and I would guess that her salary is relatively close to mine (I hope not too close, but whatever). I haven’t met her husband but from what I hear he is also at a similar level. She has hired a nanny so that both of them can return to work. She asked me if I’d hired someone yet. Laughing, I said, “Yes, my husband”. Instead of calling me crazy in her snide back handed condescending way as I expected, she was actually trying to justify herself to me. I thought that was funny. So I just sat there and smirked at her and watched her squirm. (there I go, being all nasty and RUDE again – bring it, trolls). Truthfully, I could care less about her choices. Though I may not agree with her situation (I’m pretty sure they both don’t HAVE to work and her back peddling kind of confirms that), it’s her business, not mine.

I have been recently trying to connect with other Breadwinning moms. Other than my new friend Margie P, I haven’t found too many out there. I’ve done some internet research on the whole woman breadwinner thing, but all I find is a lot of crap. There are a lot of useless surveys and studies out there that overthink this concept to death. I wasn’t sure what to make of this article – I think it’s saying that most women who think they are breadwinners really aren’t, because either (1) it’s just temporary so don’t go having any sense of accomplishment, if your husband wasn’t such a failure you wouldn’t be in this position, and once he gets his act together you’ll be back to being inferior (2) good news – your husband thinks you’re his equal – bad news – equal means you have to do your share of housecleaning and child rearing while working full time or (3) you do have the gender role reversal thing going full force, but that not only makes you a radical feminist, the number of you out there are too statistically insignificant to matter to anyone. A better article is this one, and kind of sums up what I’ve been feeling as of late.

We are still finding our way with a routine, and with expectations of each other during this new phase of our lives. I find myself walking on eggshells if something is bothering me about what he’s done (or not done) at home. I would imagine it’s hard enough for a man to be in this situation. Although he is happy with our arrangement, it still isn’t a widely accepted practice, (especially with other men!) and I don’t want to ever insult him or make him feel inferior. It’s something I’ve always had difficulty balancing, now made worse by the necessity of the role reversal. I know he is generally proud of me but sometimes I’m a little too much for him. There have been times when I have expressed a particularly feminist opinion and he retorts “I am woman hear me roar” accompanied by a nice big eye roll. However, I feel like I need to (and should) say something if I’m not happy, otherwise it will just build up and I’ll eventually explode. I would just like to see more things being done over the course of the week so that our weekend time can be focused on family time. It’s stupid little things, like mail piles, and laundry baskets, and closet space and other things that in the scheme of things mean absolutely nothing. I try to ask myself if my expectations are unreasonable, but at this point, with seamonkey being so little and mostly stationary, I don’t think so. I’m thinking now is the time, because he is so little, and the weather is so cold, that more time could be spent getting bigger projects out of the way so when it gets warmer and the baby is more interactive, he can go out and do manly stuff with him all day long. It’s not like I’m totally unwilling to help either. I will gladly work together with him, but every weekend we are off doing something or other so there usually isn’t time. I don’t think BT is lazy or inconsiderate…I just, well, I don’t know what the issue is really. I guess the day can just get away from you. *Sigh* just venting I guess. Not complaining…we have things really good, and we are very lucky that one of us can stay home.

So give me some hope here… I’d be interested in knowing how you other SAH households have adjusted. Did you just naturally fall into a rhythm of who would do what, or was it somewhat difficult to come to agreement on things?