Monday, September 24, 2007

Grumpy Monday

Okay so people aren't exactly scrambling to knit with me. Seems like it's a slow blog reading day (or that's what I'm choosing to believe) - you all must be so exhausted from the weekend - I'll give you some more time to mull it over. Just one red scarf - and I promise to pick a pattern that is totally do-able. Even if only a few of us do it it will be fun dammit!

In other news - last week my admin asked me to contribute money towards a gift for one of our staff members who is a new dad. I found out about the birth when this person suddenly asked for a week off to help "the baby's mother" while she recouperates. Yeah, one of those deals. So I decided not to be all bitter, and I gave $5. Well today I learn that a total of $285 was collected! Can you believe that?? So I'm way past bitter now - I'm into totally pissed off. Let's all give this guy a freaking car payment because he forgot to use a condom?? I don't get it! Life is so not fair. But I knew that.

Yawn. I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping terribly well these days. I find myself subconsciously worrying about every little thing lately. I guess when things are good you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Actually it's not so much subconsciously - I have been doing this really bizarre thing lately - I have been imagining these really horrible things happening to the people I love. Accident type things - and I play out entire scenes in my head. Like I'll be carrying seamonkey and I'll think "Imagine if I tripped and we both fell onto the concrete and he cracked his head open" - and that's a mild one trust me. In particular I seem to be obsessed as to when my dad is going to die. Isn't that horrible? He and seamonkey have such a strong bond that I'm thinking it would just FIGURE that something would happen to screw that all up.

I think I am just really scared that something bad is going to happen soon - the law of averages says it's got to happen sometime, no?. And those of us who have gone through infertility kind of know that you get used to bad disappointing hurtful shit happening to you so regularly that you can't believe that the good stuff will last very long.

Am I nuts? Do some of you feel that way too? Any thoughts on how to handle it?


Rachael said...

I WISH I knew how to knit. I'd jump in. I've never been able to figure it out though. Once, when I was in college, I used to volunteer at a nursing home, and this elderly woman tried to teach me...didn't go so well, but maybe I just need a better teacher.

About the bizarre thoughts thing...I'm very superstitious even though I know logically that it's ridiculous, but if I dwell too long on something like, I think it might jinx me and really happen, so I quickly push all morbid thoughts from my head. I'm too superstitious to even tell you the things that persistently worry me.

Rob, Dana, Murphy & Billy said...

Email me at and we'll chat about other Colombian adoptions. (or all my crazy obsessions!)

Julie said...

Oh, my god. Go read my latest post--it's all about my worriful present. (I didn't plan the coincidence, by the way.) My worries are all financial and house-related, but they're kicking into high gear right now, too. Maybe it's the season...the days are getting shorter.

And I totally would knit with you, but I can't...really. I can take a picture of a red scarf, though ;)

Michelle Smiles said...

Have you seen the Final Destination movies? Yeah, my brain works like that. I could have written some of those scenarios. It is a dark and scary place in my head sometimes.

Beagle said...

I think you are right about the whole IF experience conditioning you to expect the worst. We no longer have the luxery of blind optimism. We know crap happens.

I wish I knew how to turn the worry off, but it's been a big stuggle of mine as well.

Shelby said...

I'll knit with you! I even have some red yarn! I'm up for anything.

Samantha said...

I'm not a knitter, but I do admire your skill.

Sometimes I think we feel like some sort of law of averages ought to apply to our lives: if things are going badly, eventually they ought to turn around, and if things are going well, then, well, start preparing for the bomb to drop! It doesn't work that way, which is good for the second situation, not so good for the first. And I think you're right: having gone through infertility kind makes you start to expect some sort of a problem around the corner.

OHN said...

I used to have scary thoughts like that too. It was worse when my boys were infant/toddler age. I think it is all part of wanting to protect them.

As for the knitting..I would love to do it but only if you allow scarves that are 6" on one end and end up 9" on the other..I am amazing at that!

Lauren said...

I will knit with you but I am a slow knitter due to time constraints. I have been working on my first sweater ever since the summer. The back is done. And it is Belle's size. :-)

Bezzie said...

I'm chasing tail to catch up on reading blogs!

I can't help you with the irrational fear--I'm weird like that too!

But I can join you in being pissed about that $285. Did anyone pass around the hat when you guys went to fetch Seamonkey????

katd said...

I want to learn to knit!

I imagine the worst, as well. Silly things, even, like if I'm holding Lily I think things like, "What would happen if she slipped out?" It's scary and not very helpful to think that way! If you figure out how to handle it, clue us all in! :)

Andrea said...

Gosh, how I wish I could knit! I would love to join in!

I have those same worries, although this is the first time I've "said" it out loud. Mainly when I am walking down the stairs with K. in my arms. It's a big fear of mine to fall down the stairs anyways.

Keep an eye out for some mail from me...;)

Marthavmuffin said...

I hate those work collections too. I have worked at my job for 14 years, and we got our foster daughter at four months old in May 2006. No shower and no gifts except from one friend. Then the adoption was finalized last month. They collected $25 for a gift card. I guess its the thought that counts, but this hurt my feelings.

Jenni said...

I've felt that way too, especially after all the infertility/miscarriage disappointments. You're right, that you get so used to having things go wrong that subconsciously you expect it.

I like to think that if the law of Karma is in effect, then we should have years of good stuff ahead of us!