I need a vacation from my vacation

No, I haven’t been spending the last two weeks destroying my scale. If it were within the confines of normal behavior, I might still be doing it though. I am reaching rock bottom here with the weight thing. I need to do something. I can’t stand myself anymore. Why can’t I just eat less and exercise more? Why is that so freaking hard? All of the things I wanted to lose weight for are here and I haven’t lost one single pound. I called Jenny yesterday and I had to hang up the phone before I totally lost my shit. Do you know how much that freaking program is??? Are they kidding?? It would cost me thousands of dollars…not hundreds, THOUSANDS. Plural…with an S. What normal person can afford to do that program? Fuckers.

*sigh*

Looks like I am going to have to do this on my own then. FINE. I am cutting WAY DOWN on everything. Last night I had a Lean Cuisine and a salad. This morning I had half a bagel with a little cream cheese. For lunch I had another salad. I am going to start growing long ears and buck teeth over here but whatever. My old high school friend is coming in two weeks and the christening is right after that. Hi everyone! Yep, still fat! Move along, nothing new here …have you held the baby yet?.. divert your attention from my double chins please! ….BLEAH I AM SO DISGUSTED. Whatever.

So I just came back from a semi-vacation in Florida for 10 days, which was the real reason I haven’t been around. It was a disjointed trip spent with some of my family, some of his family, some work stuff and not enough time alone. We started out with a birthday party/family reunion near Orlando that ended up being not as fun as we thought. There’s a reason we don’t see those people very often. Then we went to visit an aunt who recently moved to a retirement community. Wish I could say it was nice, but I don’t know because no one wanted to leave the house. We were stuck in a small house with a baby, my parents and two aunts. They didn’t want to go out to eat. They didn’t want to go to the pool. They wanted to sit around the dining room table and eat leftovers and bullshit all day. We were going batty. Oh and did I mention they didn’t see a need to put the air conditioning on? Oh no, let’s just open up all of these windows and doors…don’t you feel that nice breeze? THERE IS NO FREAKING BREEZE PEOPLE IT’S 85 DEGREES AND I CAN GROW ORCHIDS IN MY ARMPITS. The only good thing about being inside was that we avoided the love bugs that were swarming in record numbers. I left my poor husband to go to a conference for a few days, and I am just thankful he didn’t go postal on my family. He later joined me at the hotel and after my conference was over we drove down to his sister’s condo in Fort Meyers for the last three days of our trip. That too wasn’t as fun as we expected. Seamonkey is in that stage where he just can not sit still, and doesn’t like to be restrained in any way. Those of you with small children know that relaxation is not possible with a mobile little person. I apparently am just learning this. In fact you are probably laughing your ass off at me that I even put “relaxing vacation” and “9 month old” in the same thought. I am an idiot. I know this now.

There were some very good parts of the trip. The second we put seamonkey on the floor at my aunt’s house, he immediately started crawling for the first time! We couldn’t believe it. I suppose one could argue that even he saw the need to escape. He also started clapping. At one point we were out listening to some live music and he was jumping up and down on my knee and clapping. Very hysterical. BT calls it the “golf clap” because it’s very soft. We also discovered his first tooth! He finally cut one on the bottom right side. Explains the extreme crankiness we’ve been experiencing. The work conference was actually very good, especially since we were in an awesome hotel and we got free tickets to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. The company that sponsored the trip was very generous with dinners and drinks too. We got a little bit of quality time at our favorite beaches in Naples and Sanibel Island. Not nearly enough, but better than nothing.

You know I have to end with a funny story about my SIL. Not once but TWICE, I caught her referring to herself as “Mommy” when talking to seamonkey. I let it go both times, but the second time she said “Why do I keep saying Mommy?” UM, BECAUSE YOU’RE RETARDED? I mean, it's not like she has young kids that call her mommy on a daily basis. But Karma got her back because in the restaurant someone asked her “Is he your first grandchild?” I had a good laugh at that one.

Got to get to work on the 8 month update I neglected to post. Here are some pics from the trip:

The Tuesday Update

The Tuesday Update will not be posted today – the author of this blog is currently otherwise occupied taking a sledgehammer to her bathroom scale.

The Mother's Day Post

My first Mother's Day. A day I have waited a lifetime for. When discussing the day's plans with my mom last week, I said to her "Whatever you want to do is fine - it's your day". After a brief pause she said "Uh, it's your day too...you're a mother now". It took me a few seconds to comprehend that.

I thought I would spend the day saying “DAMN RIGHT!” every time someone wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. After all, I got to this point, kicking and screaming. Despite uncooperative body parts and slow governmental agencies. I earned this day dammit, and I wanted to go around shoving my beautiful boy in everyone’s face with a “HA! I AM A MOM JUST LIKE YOU TOO SO THERE”.

But I didn’t.

I thought I might spend the entire day being contemplative…reflecting on how lucky I am and how grateful I should be. I wanted to just sit and stare at my son, and think about how on earth anyone thought I was worthy of parenting this perfectly beautiful boy. I wanted to sit in a quiet room and hug him the entire day and have him all to myself.

But I didn’t

I thought that I would at least stay close to home. While I can now enter a baby store without hyperventilating, a little part of me still feels like a fraud. Like even though all the paperwork has been finalized, the world couldn’t possibly really see me as a mother. I wanted to avoid any conversations with strangers that may lead to me having to explain myself.

But I didn’t

I thought that maybe I should boycott the holiday for all the people who are still trying or who have given up the fight. I know the pain that Mother’s Day can bring. It doesn’t seem fair to them to celebrate. I wanted to avoid doing anything that might be the least bit offensive to an infertile, including bringing my child out in public.

But I didn’t

Instead, we got up in the morning and fed, bathed and dressed seamonkey like we do every Sunday morning. We went to BT’s parents and hung around there for half the day, doing the same things we do on every other visit there. (The only difference was that I had to tell my FIL that he wasn’t allowed to hold seamonkey for the day. He’s a total baby hog and never let’s my MIL have him, so I insisted that she have him for the entire day – it mostly worked). Then we went to the mall to exchange some things, and BT let me shop my heart out with no complaints. The shopping Goddesses shone upon me and I was able to find some really nice things for our upcoming trip to Florida (Except shoes – I still need shoes!). Then back to my parents where my brother, who comes over every Sunday and cooks, barbecued up some steaks.

Quite ordinary actually. At a family gathering a while ago, my cousin K was saying how excited she was for me for my upcoming first Mother’s Day. Another cousin (by marriage, and who has two bio kids) said to me “Oh Mother’s Day is just another day for me!” I was horrified. An ordinary day? Do you have any idea what this day represents for me??

But you know what? It was an ordinary day. Okay, it was the best ordinary day I’ve had…well, ever….but still ordinary. And it was just fine and dandy. The best part of the whole thing was getting calls and emails the day before from people who remembered it was my first Mother's Day. It felt like those people really knew what it meant to be a mother, and they acknowledged the hard work it took me to get here.

Hope your day was what you wanted it to be – whatever your mood or circumstances were.

10 Years and we never had a fight....

Yesterday was my 10 year wedding Anniversary! It’s hard to fathom that it’s been that long…harder still to believe we are together 15 years in total. I hardly remember the people we were back then. We have come such a very long way. We struggled a lot in the beginning, although if you ask him, he doesn’t remember that. Which is good I think. We are very different people and living together at first was hard. We still aren’t the best communicators; but we’re still working on that. Through the infertility years he always made it clear that we could stop treatment whenever I wanted, and that adoption was always a good option. The most memorable words he has ever said to me, more meaningful than “I do”, were the words “I love you no matter what” said to me while I was sobbing after another failed cycle.

Having kids doesn’t improve your marriage, we know that, but having gone through this journey together helps us to understand what really matters in life. He is still the nicest person I have ever met, and is my very best friend. He is kind and sensitive and the most amazing dad.

We went to a local pub for dinner with the boy. We were going to do something more fancy, but really all we wanted to do was be together at home.

I’ve been tagged for a meme by Melissa, and since I’ve sort of done it once already, this time I will honor my husband by giving you 8 facts/habits about him.

1. He can be a spokesperson for Honda. He has owned 5 in his lifetime, and even bought a red civic hatchback twice. Who buys the same car twice in a row, let alone a red hatchback??

2. He has this weird habit of running his fingers along the edge of any fabric. He started this as a baby as he ran his fingers along the silky edge of his blanket. Now he does the same thing to every fabric edge – our quilt, the pillow cases, the hem of his shirt, the curtains behind the couch…it’s the funniest thing. Sometimes in bed I’ll feel my blanket being slowly pulled and I’ll have to yell STOP!! He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it half the time.

3. He has a serious addiction to three things: Magazines, grooming products and organization containers. We have an abundance of all of these things in my house and much money is wasted on them. It drives me nuts.

4. He was once a clown in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. He still has the rainbow wig. He still looks like an ass in it.

5. He is enamored with spreadsheets. He loves to put information in them, inventories of things, financial info, planning lists. We constantly make fun of him for it and are always saying things like “Why don’t you go make a spreadsheet of that”.

6. He can’t dance. At all. I mean really really bad. Think Elaine Benes underwater and on crack. If he ever wants to make me laugh, he just has to start dancing. Yesterday morning he was doing a Happy Anniversary dance for me in the hallway while I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. He was trying to do the Q-tip move (rubbing your forefinger and thumb together next to your ear like you’re using a q-tip, alternating between right ear and left ear – go ahead try it, I’ll wait) from the movie Hitch, a scene where Kevin James is showing how bad he dances – BT made Kevin look like Fred Astair. I almost peed my pants.

7. He has worn a goatee for pretty much all of the 15 years I’ve known him. He shaved it off once by surprise and I was so horrified I could barely look at him. I made him grow it back immediately.

8. He can literally fall asleep within 30 seconds. We will barely be under the covers and I’ll start to hear his heavy breathing. Sometimes I have to scrape him off the ceiling when I yell “YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE ASLEEP ALREADY”.

The Tuesday Update

Okay, so I have found the time and motivation to write this week. I am feeling a little better because at this mornings weigh-in, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I lost 2.5 pounds! So that’s 3.5 in two weeks. Not earth shattering, but not bad either. Especially since I only got to the beach once this week, so only 4 miles this time. I have tried to pay a little extra attention to portion size this past week, trying to load up on the veggies and limit the starches. This is difficult because apparently my husband was Chinese in a former life, based on the amount of white rice he likes to consume. He also can not be convinced that corn and peas are high in starch, so when he makes them together with the aforementioned rice, (thinking he’s making a square meal) he can’t understand why I am annoyed. I know, I know, be grateful you have a husband that cooks…I’m trying over here.

I have a humongous sweet tooth, and I MUST have something sweet after dinner or I am not very happy. My mom, who we eat with a few days a week (remember my parents live on our street) bakes things out of boredom, and it has been hard to resist her homemade cupcakes and cookies. I’ve been good though, and when she says “Do you want dessert?” I have a hearty NO out of my mouth before she gets up from her chair. That, and a quick exit has helped. To alleviate my craving, I have a bag of milk chocolate chips in the fridge, and I give myself a tiny handful which seems to be doing the trick so far. BT keeps a close eye on me, so I don’t end up emptying the bag in one night. Other oddly satisfying desserts we have recently made are:

1. Graham Cracker Ice Cream Sandwiches – Put fat free C00l Whip in between two low-fat cinnamon graham crackers and freeze. Not a bad substitute for the real thing.

2. Juicy Ice Pops – buy one of the new fancy schmancy organic juice blends out there and make ice pops out of them. We have an ice pop mold that we love. The most recent flavor we made was Pomegranate Blueberry. (Be careful of brain freeze when feeding them to 8 month olds - funny to you, not so funny to them).

So tell me how you’ve been doing towards your health goals. And share a an easy low fat snack or dessert idea if you’ve got one.

Whatever

So much for my promise of Tuesday updates. That’s partly because I barely even lost one freaking pound. Eight miles, people, I walked for EIGHT MILES. *Sigh* Whatever. Don’t try to cheer me up with “at least you didn’t gain”. I am running out of time here folks, summer is fast approaching. I don’t know what the problem is, you would think I eat chocolate cake three times a day. It’s the portion control that kills me I think. I am SO calling Jenny. Did you see that V@lerie Bertine11i lost 10 pounds already?? I’m going to keep trying though, I’m not giving up. I’m just PISSED.

The other part is that I am just too damn busy. Work is insane and free time is spent with the boy. It is so hard to keep blogging. Part of me thinks I should just shut this blog down and move on with life, but I’m not 100% ready to do that yet. I read things in blogland and get myself all riled up and start formulating a post in my head and then days go by before I actually have a chance to respond. When I do get the chance, everything that has been said on the matter has been said. So you’ll just have to trust me when I say I had definite opinions on Imus, V-Tech, A little pregnant and Chew. But it’s all done and gone now and please tell me why bloggers have to get so uppity with each other? Anyway, I digress.

Oh and just so you know, I can’t view blog pictures at work, and some days I can’t even leave a comment. So I mark your blog to read later, and then later turns into 4 days, and you’ve posted 6 more times since then and it’s difficult to catch up. So I’m still reading all of your blogs, trust me. I just can’t comment as often as I’d like. Sorry about that.

Anway, did I mention that we had our first post placement visit a couple of weeks ago? It was totally fine. The woman was only there for about 45 minutes and she asked us some basic questions. I guess I should include them here in case anyone is interested…

How is his health?
What is his current height and weight?
What is his doctor’s name and where are they located?
When was his first doctor’s appointment when you got home?
Can I see the summary of visits and immunizations so far?
What formula is he on?
What is his feeding schedule like?
What is his personality like?
Does he have any developmental delays?
Do you think you have bonded with him?
Do you think he has bonded to you?
What kinds of activities do you do with him?
Who is close by in case of emergency?
How has he changed your life?
How has he affected your relationship as a married couple?
Are you feeling more stressed having a baby to take care of?
Do you need information on resources to help you?
How has your family reacted to him?
May I see his room?

I think that was all the major questions. Let me know if you want to know how we answered any of them. Seamonkey sat quietly in his high chair with some toys the whole time. He was unnaturally quiet and serious, but it seems that she thought it was the appropriate level of stranger anxiety. It was all very pleasant and quick – we had some general conversation about adoption and Colombia and she was on her merry way. We didn’t go crazy cleaning the house or doing any preparation for her visit. We have at least one more visit I think. She suggests that we readopt him here in the US – we don’t have to do that but she thought it wouldn’t hurt. So I need to get information on that. I also have to get him a US birth certificate – no clue how to do that either.

Other than that, things are fine. Seamonkey is doing well – still not quite crawling yet. He’s been very fussy the last few days, and I think maybe he might finally be teething? I don’t know, it seems like we say that every week and still no teeth. This weekend we plan to do some house stuff – planting flowers (impatients Elle, not petunias) and we’re re-doing all the closets in the house. Our current set up is impractical, and I finally convinced BT that he can no longer use seamonkey’s closet. We need the storage room. Especially since I can’t control myself with all the cute summer clothes for the boy. Someone needs to put a limit on the number of bucket hats I can buy this kid. And just for the record….boy clothes selection sucks. If you can wade through all the tulle and flowery fabric to even find the boy’s section – all you’ll find is cargo pants and shirts with bugs on them. Really now.

So I have to start planning the Christening (Julia I have a date but still confirming the time). It’s about time I got my butt in gear. The godparents are going to be my SIL and my brother. I wasn’t thrilled about having my SIL, but I guess I can’t complain because my brother is no Holy Roller himself. My SIL isn’t a practicing Catholic anymore…she attends a Methodist? Lutheran? (not sure) church since she married her latest husband. Technically she can’t be a Godmother, she has to be a Christian Witness (only one Godparent has to be a practicing Catholic – although I realize using the word “practicing” with my brother may not be entirely appropriate). She does have the paperwork indicating she had all her catholic sacraments. I have a feeling that everyone is kind of doing a don’t ask don’t tell thing with our church (BT is handling the paperwork), which if you ask me, is wrong. Trust me, I am well aware of all the nonsense that goes on with the Catholic Church. But I still believe you shouldn’t lie. And I don’t want my son to be part of any kind of lying to the church thank you very much. But what am I supposed to do? At least she does go to church and my brother doesn’t really, so I guess it’s fair. Whatever. It still irks me. Nobody said I was rational.

Because they already all get on my nerves. They love seamonkey to death, they really do. And I am happy that he makes them so happy, and that everyone makes a fuss over him. It is so wonderful that the woman who said “I just wouldn’t have kids” is now the best Grandmother in the world. Even my SIL buys him tons of presents. But every time I go there I get a ginormous headache. They baby talk to him all day long. I LOVE YOU! SEAMONKEEEEEY! HEEEEY! I LOVE YOU! Yelled across the entire table in that singsongy voice OVER and OVER so that you just want to stab yourself in the eye with your fork. So between the yelling, and the baby talk, and the pressure of my tongue on the roof of my mouth to keep me quiet…by the time I leave I need four Advil and a shot of Grey Goose. Tell me it’s normal to feel this way. Tell me that just because I have finally been given a child, that I don’t have to be so over grateful that I can’t bitch about this stuff once in a while.

Oh and last thing – HURRAY FOR MARGARET!!! Finally Finally FINALLY she is going to be a mom!! So incredibly happy for you!!!